The 5 Stages of Trying to Sleep in Menopause
(For the Modern Midlife Woman Who’s Just Trying to Function)
You made it through the day. You handled people. You ate something green. You even avoided the news after 9PM.
You deserve peace. You deserve sleep.
But sleep? Sleep is now a team project…
And unfortunately, your teammates include your bladder, your hormones, your to-do list, your snoring partner, and that one mystery beep that only happens at night.
Let’s break it down.
🛏️ Stage 1: The Glorious Lie of “Early to Bed”
You announce your bedtime like it’s a resolution:
“Tonight, I’m going to bed early.”
You light your lavender candle. You fluff the pillow. You feel… accomplished.
Then the group chat pings.
Then your daughter calls.
Then your husband wants to show you a video of a raccoon eating grapes.
It’s 11:17PM and you’re still scrolling WebMD with one sock on.
🧯 Stage 2: Hot Flashes and the Blanket Ballet
You’re finally horizontal when it hits:
🔥🔥🔥 THE INTERNAL INFERNO. 🔥🔥🔥
Off go the covers.
Then on.
Then off.
Now one leg out.
Now arm out.
Now cold but sweating.
Your bed looks like a tornado auditioned for Broadway.
Your partner is wrapped in five blankets like a burrito of betrayal, breathing peacefully while you stare at the ceiling, glowing like a menopausal furnace.
📋 Stage 3: The Brain Spiral Parade
You close your eyes. The room is dark.
Your body is (mostly) still.
But your brain?
Your brain just popped open a 7-tab browser and is now reviewing:
- That email you forgot to reply to
- Whether your son ever got the oil changed
- A weird mole you saw on your leg earlier
- That time in 1998 you called your teacher “Mom”
- The sound the fridge made that maybe means it’s dying
And for some reason, you now also urgently need to research magnesium deficiency, silk pillowcases, and retirement calculators.
🚽 Stage 4: The Midnight March of the Bladder
You’re almost asleep.
Then your bladder knocks like a passive-aggressive roommate:
“Hey… it’s probably fine. But just in case.”
You sigh. You get up.
You pee.
You come back.
Now your pillow is hot.
Now your shoulder’s weird.
Now you’re thirsty.
You consider sleeping on the couch, the floor, or inside a large freezer.
☕ Stage 5: Morning Regret & Resolutions
You wake up at 6:45AM feeling like you survived a low-grade haunted house.
Your husband says, “I slept great.”
You say, “Must be nice.”
You drink coffee with the solemn determination of a woman who has fought through hormonal warfare and still showed up for life.
And you promise yourself:
“Tonight, I’m going to bed early.”
(See Stage 1.)
🩷 So, Can We Fix This?
Sleep won’t always be this dramatic – but for now, here are some things that actually help:
- Magnesium glycinate at night
- Weighted blanket but just on your legs (don’t ask why, it works)
- Fan + cooling pillow + low expectations
- Stop trying to solve your entire life at 2AM
- Kick your husband gently if he snores. You deserve balance.
✨ Words of Wisdom:
“I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband – zero thoughts, zero sweat, full burrito wrap.”