STUDY: 3 Out of 5 Women Now Use “Menopause” as Their Wi-Fi Password

U.S. – In a groundbreaking new study that absolutely no one asked for, researchers at the Institute of Unstable Connections have found that three out of five women over 45 now use “menopause” as their Wi-Fi password, citing it as “the one word that truly captures the chaos of both hormonal shifts and inconsistent internet service.”

“The parallels were uncanny,” said lead researcher Dr. Karen Modem-Hughes. “Both start out fine, then suddenly drop out, overheat, and make everyone in the house question their life choices.”

Participants in the study reported that the word menopause was chosen after others – such as “HotFlash2024!”, “HormonesAreLiars,” and “WhyAmISweatingAgain” were rejected by routers for being too long, too short, or “containing too much rage.”

The Router Has Entered Perimenopause

Tech experts confirmed that home routers across the nation are now exhibiting classic menopausal behavior. Symptoms include:

• Dropping signal during emotionally charged Zoom calls
• Refusing to connect just as you sit down with a glass of wine
• Rebooting themselves out of spite
• Sending mixed signals, both literally and emotionally

“I used to reset the router,” said user Marlene T., 52, “Now I just hand it a cooling towel and whisper, ‘You’re doing your best.’”

Neighborhood Wi-Fi Names Cause Mild Panic

The study also uncovered a sharp uptick in Wi-Fi networks being renamed things like:

• “PeriMenopausalZone_DO_NOT_KNOCK”
• “HotFlashCentral_5G”
• “MoodSwing-Fi”
• “LeaveMeAlone_NET”

According to neighbors, these names have become powerful deterrents. One local father reported his children now avoid ringing doorbells on that side of the block altogether. Another neighbor swears the passive-aggressive barking from their dog has “completely stopped” since the appearance of “HormonalAndArmed_2.4GHz.”

“When I saw a network called ‘SweatyButStillHot,’ I immediately started mowing their lawn out of respect,” said Dave, 58. “I just knew better than to question anything.”

Password Requirements Updated

As of this week, security experts have changed recommended password guidelines for menopausal women:

• Must include at least one symptom (e.g., BrainFog99)
• One emotional state (Irritable!Always)
• And one apology to your family (SorryKids123)

When asked to create a password hint, 91% responded with:

“You already know. Don’t make me say it.”

Big Tech Responds

In a swift and mostly symbolic response, Google announced it is testing a new AI called “PeriBot,” designed to recognize when a user is about to throw the router into the backyard.

“We programmed PeriBot to nod sympathetically and say, ‘You’re not crazy. The Wi-Fi is gaslighting you.’”

Last Laugh

At press time, 2 out of 5 women had changed their new password to:
“MenopauseStillBetterThanMyInternet”

And experts warned: if routers don’t start showing more empathy soon, they may be replaced by printed books and handwritten letters – both of which reportedly “never buffer.”