Irregular Periods: Why Your Body Has a Mind of Its Own (And How to Deal)
Once upon a time, your period showed up like clockwork.
Maybe not with joy, but at least with consistency.
Then one day… she ghosted you.
Only to show up two weeks later like, “Miss me?”
Welcome to perimenopause, where your uterus becomes a chaotic freelance artist – popping in, disappearing, and occasionally throwing red glitter across your calendar just for fun.
🎢 What’s Actually Going On?
Irregular periods are one of the most common signs you’ve entered perimenopause. And yes, they are as unpredictable as your mood while waiting for coffee.
Here’s what’s happening behind the scenes:
💥 1. Estrogen & Progesterone Are in a Slow, Dramatic Breakup
These hormones used to work together. Now they’re throwing shade.
Estrogen spikes, progesterone dips, and your cycle gets weirdly creative.
🧠 2. Your Brain Is Confused Too
The part of your brain that tells your ovaries what to do (your hypothalamus) is now like, “Hello? Anyone home?”
Signals are being sent. Messages are being missed. Chaos ensues.
⏰ 3. You’re Still Ovulating… Sometimes
Which means some months are all PMS, no period.
Others? No PMS, surprise flood.
You never know which version of hell you’re waking up to.
🔄 What Irregular Looks Like (And What’s “Normal” for Perimenopause)
✅ Totally common:
- Shorter cycles (21 days)
- Longer cycles (35+ days)
- Skipping a month
- Two periods in one month
- Light, heavy, spotting, mood swings with or without a cameo
🚩 Worth checking with your doc:
- Bleeding that’s super heavy (soaking through pads hourly)
- Bleeding that lasts more than 10 days
- Spotting after sex or between periods
- Long gaps (90+ days) if you’re not yet in menopause
🛠️ So, What Can You Actually Do?
Let’s be clear: you are not broken.
You are hormonally updating your operating system, and yes – it’s glitchy.
But here’s how to ride the wave without losing your mind (or your white jeans):
🧘♀️ 1. Track It Like a Hormonal Detective
Use an app, a sticky note, your calendar, or a wall covered in lipstick tally marks – whatever works.
Knowing your trends = power.
Apps like Clue, MyFlo, or even your Notes app can help you connect dots, predict chaos, and prepare backup pants.
🌿 2. Support Your Hormones Gently (But Firmly)
Try adding:
- Magnesium glycinate (calms nervous system + reduces cramps)
- Chasteberry/Vitex (may help balance estrogen/progesterone)
- B-complex vitamins (supports energy + hormonal regulation)
- Omega-3s (anti-inflammatory and anti-mood swing, yes please)
Always check with your doc, especially if you’re on medications or planning revenge.
🍽️ 3. Eat Like a Hormone Whisperer
- Protein = blood sugar stability
- Fiber = estrogen balance
- Cruciferous veggies = hormonal detox support
- Less sugar + caffeine = fewer emotional spirals
(But if you’re already spiraling? Eat the cupcake. Reboot tomorrow.)
😌 4. Lower Stress = Fewer “WHAT IS HAPPENING” Moments
Your cycle doesn’t love chaos.
Try:
- Gentle exercise
- Laughing at memes (hi, that’s what we’re here for)
- Breathing techniques
- Saying NO to things that feel like emotional mosquito bites
🛌 5. Be Prepared Like a Period Paratrooper
Pack emergency liners.
Stash backup underwear.
Don’t leave the house in anything you’d be devastated to stain.
A little paranoia = a lot of peace.
🩸 What Stage of Chaos Is Your Cycle In?
A short quiz to determine what your uterus is plotting this month.
Instructions:
Pick the answer that best matches your vibe right now. Tally your points, and we’ll tell you exactly what hormonal tornado you’re riding.
1. Your period is currently…
A. Nowhere to be found (and it’s been 43 days) – 3 pts
B. Here early, uninvited, and louder than usual – 4 pts
C. Kind of… lingering? Like an awkward houseguest – 2 pts
D. It showed up for one day, then vanished like a ghost – 1 pt
2. Emotionally, you feel…
A. One inconvenience away from tears – 3 pts
B. Suspiciously fine, which makes you more anxious – 2 pts
C. Ragey but with snack breaks – 4 pts
D. Numb and mostly just tired – 1 pt
3. Your current level of trust in your uterus is:
A. 0/10 – We are no longer speaking – 4 pts
B. 5/10 – I carry backup pads just in case – 3 pts
C. 8/10 – Things have been calm, but I know better – 2 pts
D. 10/10 – She’s still got a schedule and follows it – 1 pt
4. Your recent wardrobe decisions are influenced by:
A. “Can this hide a surprise leak?” – 4 pts
B. “How fast can I change into soft pants?” – 3 pts
C. “Which black leggings are clean?” – 2 pts
D. “White jeans are still an option” – 1 pt
5. You last Googled…
A. “Can perimenopause make you feel possessed?” – 4 pts
B. “How to tell if your period is ghosting you” – 3 pts
C. “Best dark chocolate for cramps” – 2 pts
D. “Ovulation tracker apps” – 1 pt
📊 Now tally your points:
5–7 POINTS: 🧊 The Calm Before the Storm
Your cycle’s currently playing nice – but keep your emergency chocolate close. A surprise plot twist is always on the horizon.
8–11 POINTS: 🌀 The Light Spiral
You’re in the subtle chaos phase: cramps-ish, moods-ish, spotting-ish. Like a hormonal appetizer before the main course.
12–15 POINTS: 🔥 The Full Hormonal Fire Drill
Everything’s happening. Blood, mood swings, cramps, and existential spirals. Wear black. Cancel meetings. Snack with purpose.
16–20 POINTS: 🎪 The Uterine Circus Has Gone Rogue
Your body is no longer taking direction. Your cycle is free-styling, and you’re just along for the ride.
Period? Maybe. Maybe not.
Hormones? Loud.
Dignity? In witness protection.
You are a warrior. And you deserve wine.
💬 Elistocrat Take
You are not inconsistent.
Your cycle is.
And that’s okay.
Your body is shifting gears, reorganizing itself, and maybe going through a bit of a midlife artistic phase.
It’s wild, yes – but you’re still in the driver’s seat. (Even if your uterus occasionally throws stuff out the window.)
✨ Words of Wisdom:
“If my period wants to surprise me, that’s fine. But I expect flowers, chocolate, and at least 24 hours’ notice.” 💐🍫📆