Did I Just Absorb That Pizza?

Fluid Retention: Why You’re Puffy, Puffy, and Peeved – and What to Do About It

👋 Welcome to the swollen sorority, where rings don’t fit, shoes feel like traps, and your face looks like it’s storing secrets. If you’ve ever woken up and thought, “Did I sleep in a puddle of my own puff?” – congratulations, you’re not alone.

📊 Let’s Talk Numbers (Briefly, We Promise)

An estimated 92% of women experience noticeable bloating or water retention during the menopausal transition. It’s not just your imagination – your tissues are hosting a party for water molecules, and everyone was invited .

Estrogen and progesterone play a key role in fluid regulation, so when those levels start swing dancing in perimenopause? You bloat. You swell. You feel like an angry croissant.

🔍 So, What’s Going On?

Hormonal shifts confuse your kidneys, blood vessels, and lymphatic system. They respond like toddlers at a buffet: holding onto everything just in case. Cortisol from stress also tells your body, “Let’s retain this water – we might need it to cry later.”

And sodium? Suddenly your cells are like, “Yes, I would like to hold onto that salt like it’s a love letter.”

🧠 What It Feels Like

• Like your skin is secretly storing marshmallows.
• Like you’re one sock mark away from starring in a CSI: Compression Socks spinoff.
• Like your ankles are auditioning for a role in Shrek 5: Swamp Bloat.
• Like even your face is having weather-related swelling.

🧯 Solutions (Yes, Real Ones)

💦 Support Your Body in Letting Go

1. Electrolytes > Plain Water
   Try LMNT or coconut water. Too much plain water without minerals can confuse your sodium balance even more.
2. Magnesium
   Go for glycinate (gentle) or citrate (if you want bathroom results too). Helps reduce water retention and relax muscles.
3. Dandelion Tea
   A gentle diuretic used for centuries. Tastes like bitter lawn – but your ankles might forgive you.
4. Parsley + Celery
   Not just for sad salads. These are natural diuretics that help reduce water buildup.
5. Potassium-Rich Foods
   Bananas, sweet potatoes, spinach, avocado. Helps balance sodium and move fluid out.
6. B6 and B1 (Thiamine)
   These vitamins help the kidneys do their job. Find in sunflower seeds, legumes, fish, and fortified cereals.

💃 Movement (That’s Not Soul-Crushing)

• Rebounding (Mini Trampoline): Boosts lymph drainage and reduces swelling. Looks ridiculous. Works.
• Legs-Up-the-Wall Pose (Yoga): Let gravity do the work while you pretend you’re a serene influencer.
• Foam Roller + Dry Brushing: Move the lymph. Light pressure only – we’re not tenderizing meat here.
• Short Walks: Even 10 minutes after a meal helps.

YouTube videos to try:

Lymphatic Drainage Massage at Home

Gentle Yoga for Bloat

🧘‍♀️ Calming Reframe

Let’s pause here.

You are not broken. You are not “failing at balance.” You are experiencing a body shift that feels foreign, and your system is doing its best to adapt. Float through the puffiness. Don’t resist it. Allow it. Observe it. Notice the swelling like you’d notice a passing cloud – not because it’s welcome, but because it’s here, and fighting it makes it louder. This is a wave – and waves pass. So breathe. Let the tension fall from your shoulders. Remind yourself: I am not this puffiness. I am the calm inside it. I will not panic inside a balloon. I will exhale slowly, and my body will follow. It will pass, because all things do.
Your body is learning a new rhythm. You are not behind. You’re adjusting and adjustment is not weakness.

🎯 Top 10 Ridiculous Things I’ve Done to “Reduce the Bloat”

1. Googled “can I pop myself like a water balloon?”
2. Laid flat and demanded gravity fix it.
3. Bought compression socks in a rage.
4. Declared war on salt, then immediately ate cheese.
5. Measured my ankles hourly like a deranged tailor.
6. Convinced myself that peeing five times meant victory.
7. Held my arms overhead for ten minutes because TikTok said so.
8. Slept with parsley taped to my feet (don’t ask).
9. Told my partner I was “at maximum density” and rolled away.
10. Made “moisture hostage” my phone lock screen.

💡 Elistocrat Take

Fluid retention isn’t just a “minor” symptom. It messes with your head, your clothes, and your calendar. But knowledge is power – and sass is a close second.

Drink your tea. Move gently. Put your feet up and pretend you’re royalty. Your kingdom is currently under slight flooding, but recovery is imminent.

👑 You’re not puffy. You’re just in a state of majestic hydration.