BREAKING: Perimenopause Declared a Full-Time Job

Includes unpaid overtime, unpredictable shifts, and zero snacks. HR has been notified (it’s your therapist).

In a stunning turn of events, the World Federation of Common Sense (WFCS) has officially declared perimenopause a full-time job, citing “unrelenting physical chaos,” “emotional workload,” and “complete lack of appreciation, benefits, or snacks.”

Effective immediately, all women going through perimenopause will be recognized as full-time employees of their own hormonal systems, whether they applied for the position or not.

Welcome to your new job, ladies. The uniform? Sweatpants and regret.
The office? Your body.
The boss? Your ovaries (still on payroll, barely showing up).

📋 Your New Job Description:

Congratulations. You didn’t get promoted … you got perimenopaused. And with that comes a new role you didn’t apply for, can’t quit, and aren’t paid for.

Here’s what your official perimenopause job now entails:

🕰️ Shift Schedule:

• 3AM wake-ups for urgent soul spiraling
• Afternoon brain fog naps that turn into existential voids
• Sudden mood evaluations during staff meetings (staff = your pets)

🔄 Responsibilities:

1. Mood Management Specialist
Your emotions now run on a roulette wheel.
Sadness at 10:02. Rage at 10:03. A sudden urge to bake banana bread at 10:04.

“Must be able to handle mood swings without swinging back at others.”

2. Thermal Regulation Coordinator
Hot? Cold? Both? Neither?
You are your own malfunctioning thermostat.

Bonus task: Secretly reprogramming the household A/C 14 times a day while gaslighting your partner about it.

3. Sleep Negotiator
You are now managing a highly uncooperative relationship between your brain and bedtime.
Spoiler: Your brain wins. Every time.

“Must thrive on 4 hours of broken sleep and still show up for meetings with eyebrows.”

4. Energy Allocation Officer
You will learn to do 37 things before 9 a.m.; then absolutely crash until 2 p.m.
Then revive with caffeine and protein… then crash again.

🔥 Required Skills:

• Advanced hormone navigation (no training provided)
• Conflict resolution (internal organs edition)
• Instant outfit changes due to surprise sweating
• Pretending you’re “fine” while Googling “is this normal” 7 times daily

🍱 Lunch Breaks:

• Frequently replaced by rage-snacking and shame yogurt
• Occasionally interrupted by crying over an ad for fabric softener

💻 Office Equipment:

• Heating pad
• Cooling pillow
• Emotional support water bottle
• Ice packs in the bra
• Pile of supplements that look like you’re preparing to build a new organ

🧃 Suggested Tools, Aids & Survival Kits:

Just like office jobs need coffee and passive-aggressive mugs, this one requires actual support.

✦ Nutritional Support

• Magnesium glycinate → Supports sleep and mood.
• Ashwagandha → Great for stress support. (Think: herbal HR rep.)
• Vitamin B-complex → Because your nervous system is BUSY.
• Omega-3s → For brain fog, joint drama, and heart health.
• Protein-rich meals → Keeps you from turning into a ragey sloth at 3 p.m.

✦ Herbal Allies

• Rhodiola rosea → Stress support without the crash.
• Chasteberry → Hormonal regulator with a long history.
• Red clover → May help with hot flashes, night sweats, and feeling like a candle that’s melting from the inside.

✦ Functional Habits

• Track symptoms like a CEO.
• Create boundaries like it’s policy.
• Say “no” like your paycheck depends on it.

🗣️ “We Were Not Informed of This Hiring Decision,” Say Women Everywhere

“I just thought I was tired,” said Elaine, 49. “Next thing I knew, I was on a conference call with my uterus and it was… hostile.”

Millions of women are now coming forward with stories of being trapped in this job for years without proper onboarding, training manuals, or PTO.

“I’ve been in this position since 44,” said Tanya, 52. “Still haven’t gotten a lunch break, a raise, or a clear answer from my doctor.”

One woman reportedly created her own company handbook titled:

‘How to Pretend You’re Fine While Your Hormones Set Fire to Your Sanity.’

It’s blank.

🧾 The HR Situation: Unclear but Absolutely Not Helpful

The perimenopause workplace has no formal HR department, only vague advice from podcasts and well-meaning friends who suggest yoga.

An official memo was submitted to “HR,” which in most cases turned out to be a group text of equally sweaty women, a bookmark folder labeled “menopause rage solutions”, or, most effectively, your therapist.

“I filed a formal complaint about night sweats,” said one employee (woman, 50). “My therapist sent me a meme and asked if I’d tried magnesium. Honestly? Best response I’ve gotten so far.”

In unrelated news, therapists are now being promoted to Chief Emotional Officers (CEOs) of their clients’ menopausal careers.

🔥 The Overtime Problem

One of the most widely cited concerns is the constant unpaid overtime.

“Perimenopause doesn’t end at 5PM,” said advocacy leader Janine Sweaterbottom. “It doesn’t even pause when you sleep. In fact, it usually starts then.”

Key overtime duties include:

• Staring at the ceiling wondering if you’re still loveable
• Crying because your sandwich wasn’t satisfying
• Googling “is this rage normal” at 2:43 AM
• Unsnapping your bra in a moving vehicle like a hormonal escape artist

🍩 Benefits? LOL.

A recent internal audit revealed the following benefits of the perimenopause job:

“Benefit”	Reality
More wisdom	Yes, but also more joint pain
Freedom from periods	Replaced by Surprise Bleed Roulette™️
Self-awareness	Also includes self-doubt, self-criticism, and self-Googling
No more pregnancy risk	Replaced by spontaneous bloating that mimics month 4

Also not included:

• Dental
• Vision
• Emotional support llamas (still petitioning Congress)

🧪 Ongoing Training Requirements

Like all demanding jobs, this one also expects you to keep learning on the fly: mostly by trial, error, and crying.

Required certifications include:

• Introduction to Night Sweats and Passive Aggression
• Intermediate Joint Aches and Mystery Symptoms
• Advanced Level: Identifying Perimenopause vs. Personal Breakdown

Final exam: You will be given a mildly irritating situation (e.g., a missing sock) and judged on how fast you descend into tears, rage, or a philosophical crisis.

📈 The Career Ladder Is a Trap

Promotion? You don’t get one. You just age out of this job and into Menopause CEO, where the symptoms shift but the nonsense continues.

Instead of hot flashes, you now manage:

• Bone density spreadsheets
• Vaginal dryness logistics
• “Are you still relevant?” performance reviews from society

🛑 Employee Testimonials

“I have hot flashes, brain fog, rage insomnia, and still have to fold laundry. That’s not multitasking. That’s warfare.”
– Claire, 47

“They said I’d be free after 50. I’m still waiting. So is my sanity.”
– Denise, 52

“I used to cry at movies. Now I cry when I open the fridge. I think that’s growth.”
– Tanya, 49

✍️ Final Thoughts from the Hormonal Office of Truth

Perimenopause isn’t a phase. It’s a workplace. One that demands every ounce of your patience, humor, and flexibility (which is ironic because your joints are no longer flexible).

You don’t get hazard pay.
You don’t get applause.
But you do get… us.

A deeply sarcastic, emotionally real newsletter that knows this is a full-time job and we are all emotionally overqualified.