12 Menopause Products That Should Exist (But Don’t)

We don’t want much. Just basic dignity, body temp control, and maybe a fan holster.

Let’s face it: most menopause products are either overpriced magnesium or a candle that smells like regret. So we imagined the essentials that should exist – but tragically don’t (yet).

🌀 1. Emergency Fan Holster™️

A crossbody harness for your mini fan, chapstick, and emergency chocolate square. Comes in faux leather, bamboo, and “I Dare You to Say Something” red.

🔥 2. Hot Flash Forecasting App

“Today’s heat wave will hit around 3:17 PM. Wear layers. Avoid wool. Cancel everything.”

Bonus feature: alerts your family when you’re at DEFCON 2.

📢 3. Rage Translator 3000™️

You yell, it auto-converts your outburst into a polite boundary.
Original: “WHY WOULD YOU CHEW LIKE THAT IN MY PRESENCE?!”
Translation: “Hey babe, I need some quiet right now.”
You’re welcome.

💬 4. Thermostat War Negotiation Kit

Includes: 1 bilingual whiteboard, 3 passive-aggressive magnets, and a decorative peace treaty. May still result in exile to the guest room.

🧴 5. Mood Swing Essential Oil Diffuser (with warning sirens)

Lavender for calm. Peppermint for clarity. Siren mode for the 90-second warning before you cry in a CVS.

😶‍🌫️ 6. Memory Fog Flare Kit

Contains: one pen, six sticky notes, three apologies, and an app that reminds you why you walked into the kitchen.

🛑 7. Auto-Reply Generator for “How Are You?”

Auto-texts things like:

• “Alive-ish.”
• “Slightly damp but functional.”
• “Please don’t.”
  Pairs with your smart watch.

🛁 8. Mood-Activated Bathtub Light Show

Red = Rage soak
Blue = Sad blob
Rainbow = Trying to care again
Bonus setting: blackout mode for disassociating glamorously

🍫 9. Snack Decision Oracle

Whispers supportive affirmations while guiding your hand between salty and sweet.
“You’re doing amazing. And you deserve the second cookie.”

🧠 10. Hormonal Status Traffic Light

Red: Do not approach.
Yellow: Approach with snacks.
Green: Approach with wine.
Mounts discreetly on your forehead or fridge.

💻 11. Zoom Face Filter: “Menopausal Professional” Edition

Auto-deletes sweat, undereye bags, and existential dread.
Leaves behind assertiveness and arched brows.

🧣 12. Fashionable Neck Ice Wraps

Looks like a chic scarf. Feels like dipping your head in a glacier.
Available in neutrals, florals, and “My Neck Is a Sauna” black.

Until these exist, we’ll keep fan-holstering with one hand and writing strongly-worded letters with the other. Because if society won’t make these for us?

We’ll build the empire ourselves.
(And sell it on Etsy for $19.99 plus rage tax.)